The Best Places in Louisville to Fart

So this list has been bounced across a couple blogs.  But much like it's subject matter, the article just seems to remain funny no matter how long it hangs around.  Because face it – farts are funny. They always will be. Since modern women have finally admitted that they partake and, dare I say, are even fond of this national pastime, we finally live in an epoch of true equality.

We can now all fart in peace and love one another like in all those songs your parents used to listen to. So what are the premier and preferred public areas to unleash anal aromas? Where in the ‘Ville can you get away with a fart frenzy?


#6:

Nachbar: Between the jazz-wailings of VAMP or the nigh-endless loop of Black Sabbath on the jukebox, there is always a commotion at this hangout staple in Germantown .  It’s a safe bet no one will hear a toot out of you.  Not to mention the regularly-fucked plumbing makes for an easy blame.  Or any dog standing about waiting to get beer spilled on it.  Or, my favorite scapegoat is always nearest cute hipster girl in sundress pretending she likes German beer.  

 #5:

 Mid City Mall: If you have needs, the Mid City mall can fulfill them all: 
-Need groceries?  Valu-Market has you covered.
-Read books?  Shelby branch library inside.  More into movies?  They've got a fine theater.  
-Need smelly old clothes?  Try the Nearly New Shop downstairs, across from Jim Cain's Gym.
-Dying to hear some Steely Dan?  The Backdoor always has the hook up, as well as food & drinks. 
-Lonely?  Eat at the Chinese "Super" Buffet.
-Need a laugh?  Comedy Caravan's there for you.
-Need a good laugh?  The lobby has a plethora of brain-dead eccentrics to laugh at.  It functions as the epicenter of the insanity, featuring a colorful cast of clown-shit crazy persons among the finest the Highlands have to offer.  Everyone is too old or far gone to realize if what they hear/smell is of their own creation or your doing.  Perhaps they just figure it's just another of their auditory hallucinations.

If you want your work to be truly appreciated head into the Teen Outpost in the library.  Your butt vapors have to compete against the thick, swampy smell of angst of the high schoolers fixated on the internet.  Circulate that stale air by breaking some wind!  Punish their snarky teenaged judgments with some ripe crop-dusting of the silent but deadly variety!    

#4:

             Heine Bros. Coffee:  Do you know what mixes splendidly with the mellow, earthy, chocolate-like, floral, smokey, citrus & nutty aroma of Heine Brothers' Coffee?  Farts.  Insert obligatory Heine joke here ________________________. 

#3:

Churchill Downs: Churchill Downs is an impeccable blend of trash and panache that makes it oh-so swell to pass gas.  You are probably dressed your best on a date just to gamble like a granny and observe simpletons.  The only food that isn’t a buffet of ribs is nachos and corndogs, which means you’ll be tooting up a storm even before the bugle sounds.

With so many horses and disgruntled, over-worked staffers it's easy to abstain blame for your assy rip.  Plus, with everyone wearing sunglasses it’s nigh-impossible to detect facial affect; your look of shame and everyone else’s look of disgust are virtually indistinguishable.  Always remember that no matter how foul your odiferous expulsion may be, it will never be the most offensive thing to happen at Churchill Downs.  Check out the infield during Derby sometime.

            #2:

Chicken King: Anytime I travel or someone from another country visits, I always get always the same question when I mention I’m from Kentucky: “How’s the fried chicken?” or “Is the KFC better there?”

            Of course not!  The Colonel’s recipe is same worldwide: reconstituted chicken jelly, toenails, avian smegma and nicotine.  Not to mention those legendary eleven herbs and spices. It’s the meat of chickens that lived consuming the meat of other chickens. 

            Any lover of legitimate Louisville fried chicken knows to head down to the corner of Broadway and South Clay Street to the king of chicken: Chicken King.  It takes merely a single taste to realize that you just made the greatest decision of your life.  But you must understand that this decision comes with a highly gaseous consequence. 

The less-than-personable staff of Chicken King stays segregated behind bullet-proof glass, as to protect themselves from not only robberies but also your poots.  That means the dining room essentially becomes a gas-chamber.  Your main concern is offending any patrons, who are already disgruntled if they frequent fast food chicken joints.  Just hold your ground and take pride in your stench; the respect will be returned. 

              #1:

Old Louisville: Simply being outdoors in this neighborhood is a health hazard.  Heavy clouds of poo-gas engulf the entire area, seeping outward towards surrounding areas like syphilis.  Maybe it’s because Old Louisville is purportedly one of the most haunted places in the U.S. of A.  It could be lingering traces of ectoplasmic activity wafting into your nostrils.  Or it could be that the plumbing of 150 year-old houses were never meant to withstand the volume of shit created by four-apartments worth of college students.  Nothing you could produce from your butt could ever come close to the awful stench of this shitty neighborhood. 

The fact that the University of Louisville, duPont Manual High school, and Noe Middle school are in this vicinity is like a metaphor for the educational system.  My advice: wait until the St. James Art fair and fart on a busking musician.  They may not like your tip, but they will appreciate that someone noticed them at all.